Thursday, April 7, 2011
Horror Of The Blood Monsters: Terrible Movies #95
Voiceover narration about some sort of outer-space vampire nonsense that sounds suspiciously like the Count from Sesame Street competes with a briefly groovy 60's rock soundtrack and Scooby Doo sound effects. People congregate in a dark alley, where they're preyed upon by a group of vampires lead by one who looks suspiciously like Harvey Korman. Suddenly we cut to a rocket control center, which consists of talking heads sitting in front of a black curtain while computers make a "beep beep boop" noise. They talk to a strangely flat rocket ship which looks like it was cut out of cardboard, and you can tell they're talking to people in outer space because they keep looking up. This flat spaceship hurtles through space, then it's suddenly struck by phony lightning, and then John Carradine staggers around and exclaims they were just hit by a solar storm because those are totally the same things. Seemingly hours later, they land on a drawing of a planet, and disembark from the ship in what I can only guess is California with any number of different colored films being placed on the lens. Cows dressed as prehistoric cows, gila monsters, and an elephant that looks like the Banana Splits are shown, and one of the astronauts says, "Wow!". I'm not sure why. Then cavemen attack one another because that's what needed to happen. Plus there's this crazy animal that rhythmically yelps in the distance throughout the entire movie. I guess it's to create some sort of vampire outer space caveman ambiance. Is this a vampire movie? Is it an outer space movie? Is this a caveman movie? Is it terrible? The answer to all these questions is a confusing "Yes". There are many more treats to behold; like a sex machine, and bats being hung from a string, and a bug-eyed water monster, and lots of crazy pseudo-science, but I don't want to spoil it for you. I watched it at Hulu, and you can watch it here, but you definitely shouldn't.