Thursday, October 20, 2011

Calamity Of Snakes: Terrible Movies #206

There has been some rather exciting happenings occurring around Deathrage Towers. From what I gather from the internal corporate memos I didn't bother reading thoroughly, there is a large crowd carrying signs demonstrating in the streets below. I can't read what the signs say from my rooftop helipad, but I was told by my administrative assistant that the legal department said they read "Occupy Deathrage". As I do not follow current events, I'm not certain what that exactly means. I live here, therefore I occupy my own building. Whatever. In lieu of health insurance, I ordered the minions, I'm sorry, unpaid interns in the marketing department on the 30th floor to dump cauldrons filled with boiling oil on them. I develop a rash whenever bongos are played nearby. I know what you're thinking...that my behavior seems unkind and selfish. I only want the best for everyone, so I used extra virgin olive oil and the most expensive cauldrons I could acquire, and by everyone I really mean me.

Meanwhile, I watched the film Calamity Of Snakes. I have very little idea what the plot of this film was, but I'm assuming it's about a guy who builds a skyscraper that's haunted by snakes. Warning: If you are squeamish about snakes, this movie features snakes. Lots and lots of snakes. In fact, there isn't a cell of film that doesn't have at least one snake in it. Even the extremely awkward and unnecessary love scene has some snakes in it. You will see a guy in a huge box full of snakes, people hitting snakes with shovels, construction equipment crushing snakes, several mongoose (mongeese?) eating snakes, cardboard boxes getting knocked over, snakes being thrown, snake swallowing, a little bit of kung-fu, throbbing snake hearts, snake bladder squeezing, snakes being set on fire, mid-air snake chopping with a sword, disco dancing, and literally thousands of actual and rubber snakes being killed. If there are any animal activists reading this review and wondering if the snakes were really killed of if the film-makers employed snake stunt doubles, well, the answer is all the snakes died a gruesome death and were probably eaten. I watched this distressing and awful film at bmovies. com, and everyone should avoid it. Here's a link if you can't stop yourself:

And here's a trailer if you think I just make this stuff up:

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