Sunday, October 23, 2011

Dracula: A Good One #135

Bella meets Edward, and she discovers he's a vampire. Wait a second, that doesn't seem right at all. That seems like the completely cape-less, castle-less, cobweb-less, and crypt-less plot to Twilight, and not the plot to the classic Dracula from 1931. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I realize I'm a grumpy old guy and not the target audience for Twilight, but for fun let's contrast and compare Dracula and Twilight just to show today's young people what they're missing. There's this:

...where the cast looks like they ate funnel cakes, rode the Tilt-A-Whirl, and need a Dramamine. For crying out loud, would you just look at them? What's up with that backdrop? Are they at the Sears Portrait Studio? So scary! I hope they got enough wallet-sized pictures for everyone. They look depressed, or maybe they just got news that the carpool mom is running late and it's raining, but I wouldn't say they look threatening. I can tell someone is having something that looks vaguely like an emotion, but it could just mean that one of them lost a flip-flop. If I were forced at gunpoint to shop at Abercrombie and Fitch they probably wouldn't be the salespeople I would go to, but they're not especially terrifying. Did they get that black v-neck tee at Abercrombie, or did they get it from H&M? That horrific odor they pump into Abercrombie is garlic to anyone over the age of 22, so I wouldn't really know. The jacket is definitely from H&M, and it strikes terror in my heart and makes my blood run cold, but only because it looks itchy.

And then there's this:

He's smiling. You know that smile. It's the smile of the truly insane and diabolical, or maybe a television news anchor. I'm not sure which, but neither one is good. He's not happy about killing you...he's happy about the ghastly things he'll do with your corpse and he's going to take his time. Plus, he's wearing a cape, carrying a candle, and he's standing in a crumbling castle that is clearly the home of 7,000,000 spiders. He's also pointing to what could only be the Murder Room, or in other words, anywhere where you're alone with him in the dark.

So what's scarier? The scarier thing is that look on Kristen Stewart's face. Let's look at it again:

Really? What is that? Is it fear? Seasickness? Confusion? Did she get an F in Algebra? Is she trying to figure out why Wardrobe rolled up the sleeves on that H&M jacket? Has she spotted a distant cupcake and she can't tell what flavor it is? It's probably carrot cake.
It's always carrot cake.

Let's review. In order for everyone to know you're a vampire you need to wear an outlandish royal get-up with medals and a cape. Having a Transylvanian accent helps, too. Here's a clip that settles the matter once and for all:

Seems like a no-brainer to me. I watched the slow-moving and melodramatic but still pretty awesome 1931 Dracula on DVD, but it's available on Netflix Instant Streaming.

No comments:

Post a Comment