Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

I've never heard of this film. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? You're all dead to me.

Anyway, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is a film about a bed that eats people. It actually drags them below the sheets and blankets and dissolves them in foamy bile because that's something that everyone's clamoring to see.

So, this dude plans a romantic evening with his beloved lady-friend (who has tied her gingham shirt in a knot below the bosoms a la Daisy Duke) and they break into a haunted estate or garage, set the mood with a candle and a bucket of Colonel Sanders' 11 herbs and spices, and then the bed suddenly dissolves them in bile offscreen while making crunching, chewing noises. That sort of thing happens a lot. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is a lot like a foamy Goldilocks story, only there's voiceover narration, spinning newspapers, stock footage, and no one ever changes the sheets. Cast-members wander around in pajamas and negligees and just casually plop themselves down in a monstrous bed that's outdoors sometimes and indoors sometimes like it's the Night Before X-Mas and they're settling their brains for a long winter's nap because people often take naps in beds they just randomly find. I'm sure that's fine.

Anyway, there's bloody saddle shoes, delicious caterpillars, unconvincing headstones, a picnic, and Pepto-Bismol. Someone says, "This place looks clean for being abandoned so long. I hope there's not a maniac around.". I'm not sure why. There are many artsy, pretentious moments which fall flat, and the haughty narrator sounds suspiciously like Stewie Griffin. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is awful and boring and confusing, but it's recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

Sorry, no clip.

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