Monday, June 9, 2014

The Long Hair Of Death

A long haired woman is burned in a wooden labyrinth for being a witch. This creates a huge bonfire, which honestly seems like a waste of resources for just one witch. Since pretty much everybody was called a witch a million years ago, if you're going to burn down a whole forest of trees you might as well toss all the witches on the bonfire at once to save some time. I don't know an awful lot about history or witches or bonfires, but I would have to assume that people in the 15th century probably could have gotten a lot more accomplished if they weren't so busy worrying about who was or wasn't a witch and burning everybody at the stake. I'm pretty sure people back then were like, "Hey, let's not invent space flight or moveable type or electric incandescence or supermarkets. Let's mow down a forest, carve some stakes, and accuse everyone in the village of being a witch. It's a good idea. We could have just invented the internet and googled who in the village is a witch, but we don't have time for that now, we have to harvest mud."

Anyway, the witch casts a curse on somebody, then someone throws Barbara Steele over a waterfall. I'm not sure why. Then someone says, "As each day passes, she grows more and more witchlike". I'm not sure what that even means, and it was very unexpected.

So, The Long Hair Of Death is pretty boring, but it does have its moments. There's one part where a guy talks to a skeleton in an open stone casket in a secret underground crypt, and the skeleton looks like it begins to breathe, but it was only because its clothes were full of rats. And there was another part where lightning strikes the grave of the burned witch, and it splits open revealing her skeleton. It begins to come back to life and skin begins to reappear on it. It was actually pretty sweet. Unfortunately, there's also a bunch of political intrigue, some romantic shenanigans, and Barbara Steele and some dude lift a 6-inch thick stone coffin lid with one hand.

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