Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Blood Lake: Attack Of The Killer Lampreys

Shannen Doherty sort of stars in this Asylum film where poorly computer-animated walking killer lampreys attack a small, mountainous Michigan town, and there's nothing at all wrong with that sentence. Anyway, lampreys leap out of a lake and attack a hobo in the eye, and his eyeball dangles for a while out of his head, and his trusty retriever runs for help and quickly abandons him at the first sign of a frisbee.

People frolic on a beach in knee-deep water, and it's a picture postcard of a tedious Michigan vacation with picturesque Michigan mountains in the background, which strangely enough, do not exist. The lampreys burrow under someone's skin and burst out, and that seems fine. Then Shannen Doherty is hunted by a lamprey in her own home, and it lurks under the couch. She then gets mansplained about how lampreys work, and I'm surprised she took it so well.

Speaking of Shannen Doherty in the bathroom, Shannen Doherty is trapped in the bathroom by lampreys, even though she was mansplained to avoid lamprey-filled water, and she fights them off with a curling iron because that's fine. 

Then people run through parking lots in a panic, someone gets attacked by lampreys in their truck in a confusing sequence the editors use a couple of times, and someone fights off lampreys with a weed-whacker a la Dead Alive.

Blood Lake is dreadful, which is what you'd expect from an Asylum film, and it's mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks, but you should probably watch Heathers or Dead Alive instead.

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