Monday, December 15, 2014

Sharknado 2

The curious weather phenomena heads to New York City because it's in the script in this cameo-heavy, derivative sequel. After a bit of Coors Light product placement, Kelly Osbourne asks Tara Reid to sign a copy of Tara's best-selling book "How To Survive A Sharnado", then Ian Ziering sees a shark-shaped silhouette in the clouds, and it's a lot like that episode of the Twilight Zone if the Twilight Zone sucked. Did I mention this is happening aboard a plane? No? Well, it's an Asylum movie, and you should probably just assume some of the plot is taking place aboard a plane with sharks.

Suddenly, Robert Hays appears as the pilot, and it's very reminiscent of the film Airplane! if the film Airplane! sucked.

An airborne shark hits Engine #2 because of course it does, and it's suddenly reminiscent of every Asylum film ever.

What, no clip? Ok then.

Suddenly, everyone on board the plane starts screaming, and again, it's a lot like the film Airplane! if the film Airplane! sucked.

Then Kelly Osbourne gets her head chewed off by another airborne shark, and you should probably get used to that happening because it'll happen a lot. Suddenly, Tara Reid is nearly sucked out of the plane because this is an Asylum film and it's in every Asylum script, and while she's dangling outside the airplane's fuselage with one hand she manages to shoot another airborne shark, while another chews her hand off. Her plaintive screams sound a little like someone smothering a dozen kittens in a pillowcase, and it's very reminiscent of the film The Empire Strikes Back if The Empire Strikes Back sucked.

Did I mention this all happens before the credits? Well, it does, and it's not very good.

Anyway, the dude from Sugar Ray shows up, and he resembles Wink Martindale, and it's very upsetting.

Suddenly, Billy Ray Cyrus, Andy Dick, Downtown Julie Brown, and Pepa from Salt'N'Pepa show up, and I realize Sharknado 2 is really just The Love Boat with a lot more sharks.

Suddenly, Stephanie Abrams from the Weather Channel says, 'The sharks are going to pile up at the rate of 2 inches an hour', and that seems fine, the Judd Hersch drives a cab and refuses a tip, and I'm pretty sure that's the first and only time a New York cabbie did that. Someone tazes a shark aboard a ferry, and someone says, 'We've got to move this boat faster!' as Jerod from Subway eats fresh in another moment of product placement. Then someone hits a subway shark with a bat, and it's very reminiscent of a key scene from the film Orca, which sucked.

Sorry, someone replaced my clip of Bo Derek sliding into the open jaws of a man-eating killer whale with a clip of Richard Harris warbling "Macarthur Park". Please excuse the inconvenience.

Suddenly, Biz Markie prepares a shark in a pizza oven, Al Roker recommends that everyone should try to 'avoid any sharknados', and Vivica A. Fox swings with a kid.

Everyone runs through a flaming-shark-filled stairwell in another trademark Asylum move, and then Ian Ziering spouts inspirational gibberish while holding a chainsaw, and it's reminiscent of Army Of Darkness if Army Of Darkness sucked.

Suddenly, Tara Reid has a circular saw attached to her stump, and it's very reminiscent of Army Of Darkness if blah blah blah.

The camera and crew is visible whenever something reflective is onscreen, and sometimes they pixelate it when it's super obvious, then someone attacks a shark with a trident.

Suddenly, Ian Ziering falls out of the sky for about 15 minutes, and it's very reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove if Dr. Strangelove sucked.

Then everyone claps for a really long time, and it's a lot like Birdemic, and then the movie ends.

Sharknado 2 tries much too hard to suck, and suck it does, and I'll mildly recommend it if you like stuff that sucks.

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