Sunday, December 21, 2014

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Since nobody asked, here is my list of the best Xmas movies ever made:

The Best Xmas Movies Ever Made
by Stabford Deathrage

  1. Die Hard
  2. The Thin Man
  3. Batman Returns
  4. Sorry, there isn't a 4th one
  5. A Xmas Carol (1951), but only because it's filled with ghosts
  6. A Christmas Story, I suppose, but only because of tongue and eye violence
  7. There isn't a 7th one
  8. There isn't an 8th one
  9. Elf
  10. And there isn't a 10th one
Actually, the entire holiday is pretty depressing, and Xmas movies accurately represent that. Xmas is always under some sort of threat of not happening, even though the Beach Boys insist that 'Xmas comes this time each year' in possibly the worst Xmas song ever written. The kids aren't going to get their toys, or Santa's a lazy bum and he's not going to climb into his sleigh this year, or someone wishes they were never born, and it's tedious and boring and awful. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is really no different. Santa is kidnapped by unconvincing martians wearing plumbing for a hat, and he's taken to Mars to, I don't know, do something. There's chocolate layer cake pills, someone knocks out martian children with sleep spray, and someone is unconvincingly dressed as a polar bear. It's really just a handful of clips of military stock footage hot-glued together like a holiday craft, and it's really tedious and boring and awful. Speaking of holiday crafts, in lieu of putting up a Xmas tree, I put up a mare lwyd, which is a Welsh tradition of decorating a horse skull and wassailing. I'm not sure what wassailing is, but I'm a big fan of skulls of any variety, and I decorate with them often. Here's a picture of a mare lwyd that I grabbed off the internets. It's not mine, because mine is much too frightening for you to see, and frankly, my wassailing is none of your business.

Anyway, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians features a robot made out of cardboard and dryer vent hoses, which coincidentally is what my mare lwyd is made out of. There's also a brief moment of unconvincing martian fisticuffs, and more phony beards and mustaches you can shake a horse skull on a stick at.


  1. A Christmas Carol FTW! Thw animated version is even scarier. Those kids under the cloak! Aaargh!

    Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

  2. I'll have to look in to the animated version. It sounds familiar. Thanks, and have a great holiday!