Teenagers become stranded on a deserted island (well within sight of land) that's crawling with zombies (one or two at the most), then they talk over sodas with a evening gown wearing mad scientist in this terrible film that probably entertained (or not) many necking teenagers at the drive-in in the 1950s. Then a bunch of boring plot stuff happens for nearly forever. Features beakers, rolled-up dungarees, boom shadows, wood paneling, shaky camera, lots of walking, a guy in a gorilla suit, and very few zombies of any variety. This happens, though:
...and that's pretty cool. But then it's over. And you still have about 20 minutes of sucky movie left. I watched it on Youtube, and you can watch it below if you must.
Starring a cast a drag queens, Baby Jane? is a loose remake of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. It's very self-aware, campy, and humorous. Great attention to detail has been paid to sets, costuming, and script. The actors capabilities to evoke the ghosts of Bette Davis and Joan Crawford can be uncanny. Sadly, the joke becomes tiresome pretty quickly. It can be difficult to discern what is a flub in presentation and what is intentional. The digital effects can be distracting. I laughed a few times, so there's that. Overall, I give it a passing grade, but it could be tedious viewing to those unfamiliar with the original film. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer featuring a very frightening doll:
It was late and I couldn't concentrate on a movie. I decided that watching a few episodes of Soap would be an excellent choice. I was right. I'm often right about things like that. I watched the ones from season two where Burt sees a UFO and something strange happens to Corinne's baby, and they were classic. Here's a clip:
I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and you should, too.
Relatives gather at a mansion to celebrate the title characters' 92nd birthday and to quarrel over the will. The black sheep of the family isn't invited, and sends a cursed gift which turns the elderly women into bloodthirsty demons. Mayhem ensues; which consists of murder, cannibalism, and dismemberment. Also, excessive eyeshadow, needless shoulder-pads, wooden acting, and confusing accents. Here's a trailer:
Hmm. That's odd. It looks as though someone replaced my blood, gore and rampaging grandma-filled trailer with a clip of a woman from Belarus playing slide guitar with a light bulb. Oh well, you get the idea. I watched Rabid Grannies on Netflix Instant Streaming.
Due to a critical lesbian shortage, some town somewhere in Canada is overrun by vampires and only one person can save the day. You know...that guy. Here's a brief list of some of the stuff you'll see in this poorly made microbudget film: an extremely funky electro theme song, girl-on-girl vampire action, a punk rock mohican priest, awkward kung fu, several musical interludes featuring an all-singing-all-dancing cast of dozens, bad wigs, phony internal organs, videotape tracking problems, shoddy editing, shaky camerawork, a junk yard and a public park used as sets, a shawarma joke, several cups of fake blood, a talking bowl of whipped cream, a saintly luchador, and lots and lots of schtick. Terrible, but charming. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a musical number for you:
I'm not a good person. I know my shortcomings, and I embrace them. They're mine, and I own them. I know it's not admirable to write 50 words on a masterwork by Hayao Miyazaki, and then turn around and take 5 pages of notes on Octaman. It's not OK. But there it is.
After stock footage of various quality of scientists doing stuff, we see Octaman (who doesn't even get top billing in the credits in his own movie) and his fantastic tentacles that are connected by a visible string. Then a guy wearing gold-rimmed Foster Grants with a very moist upper lip examines a miniature crying Octaman in a bucket because that seems like something people would want to see. They set it free in its natural habitat, which apparently is a patch of grass, then someone drags the miniature crying Octaman through the grass by another visible string. That seems to annoy the larger Octaman, who attacks a guy in a tent with some tentacle karate-chop action.
Let's take a quick break shall we? This review has taken a very long time to write because I'm having an inane conversation with a friend. I'm not disparaging him. It's just what we do. Here's the "stream of consciousness" flow of the conversation we are having: Roman Polanski then accidentally to Holly Hunter then back to Adrian Brody then to Sandra Bullock then to Kevin Smith then to Gigli to then to Yul Brenner then to Euell Gibbons and naturally to Grape Nuts. Here's a commercial:
That was absurd. Anyway, Octaman contains some haphazard editing where you can't tell if it's day or night, numerous continuity errors usually involving neckerchiefs, confusing geography, a South American cheetah, some unbuttoned chambray shirts, several straw hats, an epic battle between Octaman and a seemingly dead alligator, amateurish camera-work where the camera operator walks into branches and forgets to focus the camera, and watery wipes. There's also a moment where Octaman gingerly rises from the swamp in an effort not to fall, some flailing tentacle stabbings, kaleidoscopic Octaman-vision shots, and worst of all, camping. Why do horror movies often take place place near a tent? For crying out loud, if man was meant for to live outdoors, why are couches in the house? And how will you ever get a pizza delivered? "Hello, Little Caesar's? I want to order a large double cheese double pepperoni, and deliver it to the tent near the swamp.". That seems unlikely to happen. Regardless, here's a tent-Foster-Grant-Octaman-bucket-kaleidoscope-vision clip:
Wow. Wasn't that awful? Let's move on, shall we? After some more plot, I guess, where Octaman attacks a guy in a row-boat, and after some first-aid which consists of vigorous hand-rubbing leaving his victim with a nasty stress-induced cough, Octaman flings his tentacles against the side of an RV, and everyone's very afraid of what is essentially a walking appetizer or a guy in a rubber suit dressed as calamari. The cast shoots Octaman, throw a net over him, then create a circle of fire around him and misunderstand how oxygen actually works. Here's a very unscientific clip with flailing tentacles:
Then after about 15 minutes of cave-related stretching for time, you finally realize this is a blatant Creature From The Black Lagoon rip-off and you wonder what happened to your life and how you ended up watching this movie and where it all went wrong. Octaman is just dreadful, and highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and I may never be the same.
Howl's Moving Castle is another stunning primarily hand-drawn animated feature from the director of Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away. Confetti, blades of grass, clouds, insects, seagulls, and gears all seem to move naturally and independently using multiple layers of animation and intricate attention to detail. Gorgeous. Essential viewing for fans of animation. I watched it on Netflix. Here's a trailer:
The Search For Bridey Murphy is the story of Virginia Tighe (named Ruth Simmons in the novel and film) who undergoes hypnotic regression and recounts an earlier incarnation as a 19th century Irishwoman. So Theresa Wright sits on a couch with her eyes closed and tells extravagant tales of the 1800's while people stand around and watch, and you start to become very, very drowsy...and your eyes begin to droop...well, at least mine did. And you fall into a deep, deep sleep. Well, at least I did. Then I woke up about an hour later, and Therea Wright was still there with her eyes closed talking in an Irish accent. The fact I fell asleep is somewhat unusual because I have the uncanny ability to stay awake through even the most boring film. Now I'm a little concerned that I may have been hypnotized. I think I might have been Theresa Wright in another life. Don't worry. The instant I start thanking everyone for my 1941 Best Supporting Actress Academy Award for Mrs. Miniver, I'll seek out some help. You can't deny there's a slight resemblance, with the beard and the horns and what-have-you. It's eerie.
In full disclosure, I didn't finish this movie, I don't want to, and you can't make me. The parts I recall were OK, so I'm giving it a passing grade but I wouldn't exactly recommend it. I snored through it while it played on Netflix.
Two kids hug in a jalopy, a rubber-suited hand unconvincingly pushes the car and its occupants into a ravine before the credits roll, then kids jitterbug at the malt shop and someone says, "Gimme a belt of that sody-pop" with no sense of shame in this Atomic Age giant creature film. There's some theremin, cutaways, forced perspective, a miniature train wreck, various hot rods, a lurking lizard, and several musical numbers. Do we have a clip? Let's roll it.
Yikes. It's the death of rock and roll. Let's just move on and forget that ever happened. Summing up, The Giant Gila Monster is awful and boring. Here's a trailer if you didn't get enough giant terrorizing creature action. I watched it on Youtube, and you probably shouldn't.
UPDATE: It was recently brought to my attention that the movie poster I grabbed from Youtube was actually of a mantis, and not a gila monster. I have rectified the situation with a new poster, but left the original for you to contrast and compare.
The ghost of a wrongly hanged man exacts his revenge in this creepy and atmospheric story. It drags a little in the daylight, it's overwrought at times, and the special effects are fairly primitive, but I enjoyed it. The film-makers make good use of fog and shadow. I watched it on Youtube, but embedding was disabled. Here's a link:
Here's the plot: In a ripoff of both Transformers and The Matrix, man now lives underground, wears swimming goggles, and bickers because robots ruined the planet. Thankfully, man decided to build Burlington Coat Factories underground so everyone can wear distractingly inconsistent black leather jackets. If you're looking for some hot Transmorphing action, and you would be because the movie is titled Transmorphers, look elsewhere. But then again, no one would want to see a film titled "Begoggled Actors Line-Read And Pettily Argue" because that's nearly as bad a title as Transmorphers, even though it's far more accurate. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's an action-filled trailer, which has a lot more action than the movie does:
Bruce Boxleitner's name is featured above the title in this low-budget ripoff of Transformers. I watched this one first and apparently it's a prequel to Transmorphers, but neither one makes a lot of sense so you can watch either and still not know exactly what's going on. If you're expecting me to start listing off all the continuity errors, you're out of luck. Every scene has them. There's a terrible script, terrible acting, and terrible CGI. There's bad hair, bad makeup, bad editing, and an awkward love scene with magenta satin sheet covered thrusting. It's unintentionally humorous from beginning to end. Watch it if you're feeling mean and you would just like to point at something and laugh.
It's on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer that consists largely of black screen, robots that change from one dumb thing to another dumb thing, and unconvincing running.
Fashioned from Golden Era Looney Tunes shorts and newer sub-par animation, Daffy Duck's Quackbusters is a Frankensteined nonsensical mess. Filled with inconsistent voicework, Delorean jokes, an awful lot of credits, and a rendition of "Monsters Lead Such Interesting Lives" crooned by Mel Torme, your time is better served by watching the unadulterated cartoons from the '40s and '50s. Avoid. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and I'm unhappy about it.
Overlong and lacking a substantial plot, Mad Monster Party is a full-length stop-motion puppet movie by Rankin/Bass, who created the classic Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer and Year Without A Santa Claus. It was very cute though, and the Frankenstein, Dracula, and Wolfman puppets were great. It's on Netflix Instant streaming, and I'm going to keep it in my queue. Here's a trailer:
According to wikipedia, 'a crucible is a container used for metal, glass, and pigment production as well as a
number of modern laboratory processes, which can withstand temperatures
high enough to melt or otherwise alter its content'. Needless to say, there are no crucibles in Crucible Of Horror, and very little horror of any variety. The plot goes a little something like this: An exceedingly well-mannered British family gets bothered by stuff, but because they're exceedingly well-mannered, you can't really tell. Well, at least until the beatings start. Becoming fed up with dad's bullcrap, the wife and daughter go to great lengths to poison him until he's dead, but that just seems to make him mad as his corpse turns up in awkward situations and at inopportune times, usually by the mail. There's a lot of pretentiously shot handwashing, wig changing, and poisonings; where the camera stares longingly into mirrors and bodies of water, and you attempt to stifle a yawn. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and wish I hadn't. Here's a crucible-free trailer:
Oops, sorry. No trailer. I think I'm the only person who's ever watched this film. I could be wrong. I've been wrong before.
I have 169 movies in my Netflix instant queue. That's an unacceptable level of crap. I'm going to attempt to weed through all of it because I'm tired of it taunting me, reminding me of bad movie decisions I made in a misguided attempt to find something decent to watch. It's a long list of fail. Here we go:
Vincent Price plays every role he's ever played (except for his great turn in Laura) in this witchfinding drama filled with gigantic pilgrim-like buckles, battle helmets big enough to cook 3 cans of Chunky Soup in, a cringeworthy 17th century love scene, and plenty of meh. That's pretty much all I've got on this one. I yawned through it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a meh-filled trailer:
The Washingtonians, part of the Masters Of Horror anthology series, is a horror tale based on the premise that George Washington and his contemporaries were bloodthirsty cannibals. We'll go over the problems with that shortly. The film opens with a Stevie Nicks lookalike getting her head chopped off by some Revolutionary War-era Headed Horsemen while a family listens to talk radio in their sedan. Then the family becomes frightened by either a colonial house, an old guy in a white suit with a botched nose job, or some ancient paintings of George Washington. I'm not really sure. Then some terrifying stuff happens; like someone goes in a dark basement, and something not scary scares them, and George Washington's painting leers at everybody in a threatening manner...and by "terrifying" what I really mean is "cliched, boring and extremely unlikely". Seriously, who's afraid of George Washington? No one. It's never happened. You really can't imagine the first President Of The United States lurking in some bushes peering in a house at his potential victims. He's on the dollar bill for crying out loud. Now, Martin Van Buren? He's scary. Just look at him.
Whoa. He's plotting your death. Right. This. Very. Minute.
Anyway, then someone finds a fork or a letter or something that brings some Founding Father Cannibals back to life I guess, then this happens:
I don't know what the hell is going on here, and I don't want to know. Get a load of that beard. It's plotting your death. Right. This. Very. Minute. And it's scarier than anything in this movie.
Anyway, some more stuff happens, then senior citizens eat bloody chicken. I'm not sure why.
Yep. I know what you're thinking. You're confused as to whether this is merely an elderly hot wing enthusiast, or a monster devouring deep fried chickeny gore basted in 13 herbs and spices. Well, I am, too. Let's just move on, shall we?
So, let's sum up. there's some ominous paint-by-number artwork, wooden teeth in need of some Efferdent, powdered wigs, and Thomas Jefferson's entrails. The film is corny, ridiculous, and brief. It's awful, but if you have an hour to kill, you could do worse. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer:
Yeah, yeah. I know. I've already reviewed Dark Shadows. I don't recall if I gave it a "good" or "terrible" review, and I'm not going to try and search for the last review because that sounds a lot like effort. So you should probably just get past the whole thing. Anyway, I watched a few more episodes. There's some fog, and doors that slam on their own, and an old-fashioned spooky atmosphere, and camera shadows, and boom shadows, and a chandelier almost falls, and Carolyn's bangs make her face twitch, and actors stumble over their lines, and some of these things are intentional but I'm not telling you which ones. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and you should, too. Hurry, because Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are dead set on ruining it with a remake. Here's a link that will give you an idea of just how awful it's going to be:
This is my 300th movie review. We have a lot to talk about.
After some faux grindhouse-style opening credits, this digitally shot film opens with a mailman discovering Shaolin Granny's dead body, calling the police, and the subtitles read, "There's a dead granny in this house.". Yep. That's what happens. Then the mailman narrates while some shaky cam shows Shaolin Granny's training in the dojo and some very unconvincing granny kung fu. Hoping to confuse you, they throw various distracting wigs on Shaolin Granny so you don't see she has a young male stunt double. It doesn't work. Then she wears some distracting red lipstick and punches some guys clothes off while her facial expressions run the gamut from A to B. Of course, Shaolin Granny has to be challenged by the Young Hot Villain With Hypnotizing God's Legs who bests her in kung fu, forcing Shaolin Granny to abandon her position in the dojo and travel with The 2 Guys Who Are Comic Relief to the big city. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "If I had a nickel every time that happened, I'd have 35 cents.". Me too. Anyway, she then meets some guy who looks like The Stray Cats held him down and triple processed his hair who offers her a job as a nightclub dancer because that's exactly what everyone needs to see. Then she dances to a song that has lyrics such as "Who is that woman with the awkward moves?" and shakes her bosoms at the crowd while the subtitles read, "Quit being eroused (sic) by that granny's panties.". Do we have a clip?
No? Well, that's a relief. I would hate for someone to become ill while watching awkward, yet fully clothed, Shaolin Granny gyrations. After another unlikely run-in with Young Hot Villain With Hypnotizing God's Legs, Shaolin Granny lives in a cardboard box and learns she has Flaming Inferno Mouth Foaming Croquet Skills because it's in the script. She meets Elderly Love Interest, and the subtitles read, "This is how our love bursts into flames.", we see some Shaolin Granny Afterglow Basking, and I become a little light-headed from nausea.
To make a long story short, the film Shaolin Grandma has clunky camerawork, terrible acting, not-special special effects, a one-take feel, and unconvincing high-flying kung fu wirework. The movie seems very cheaply made, but has a self-awareness as if the film-makers are in on the joke. It's a little crass, kind of funny, and just awful. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks. Watch it with a crowd of like-minded individuals and some adult beverages. Here's a fantastically mind-boggling trailer that may not be safe for work if you work someplace crappy:
Dinosaurs: Giants Of Patagonia IMAX is a beautifully shot film with well done CGI that was probably very impressive in IMAX. I sadly do not have an IMAX theater in my home, but that's fine I guess. I need to work on getting one of those IMAX theaters. Could you imagine? Watching Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula in IMAX? That would be frickin' awesome! Ok, so Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula would still suck, and the images would be just a smear of washed-out color on the screen but it would be gigantic. Plus, I would have an IMAX theater and no one else would which would be cool. The goodness of the movie is not the point. The point is how cool I would be, and the answer is very, very cool. If the movie is going to be awful it might as well be huge. Regardless, Dinosaurs: Giants Of Patagonia was pretty to look at but a little dry. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a Donald Sutherland voice-over-filled trailer:
Imagineering! is a well done, very brief, and somewhat cheesy documentary about the company that made Evil Teeth, Vampire Blood, Scar Stuf, and other products that were used to turn you and your no-good boyhood pals into hideous monsters that terrorized the neighborhood. I remember buying so much of it way back when. I'm sure I looked just awful. What incredible packaging it had! Check this Stuf out:
I'm forgiving the film for being a little corny. It's meant to stir up nostalgic Halloween memories of the past, and I'm already getting excited about the most wonderful time of the year, so I'm cutting it some slack. I watched it at BoingBoing and you should, too. In fact, you should go to BoingBoing every single day. I do.
The film opens with a bat dangling from a string while settlers doze near a covered wagon by campfire as a theremin ominously plays. Then John Carradine appears, and we can only assume he is Dracula because of the goatee, cravat, cape, and top hat. I mean seriously, who in the Wild West dresses like that? It's like, "Hi, I'm a vampire.". Well, it used to be. Nowadays, the youngsters can only tell if someone's a vampire if the suspect seems a little pale, looks a little nauseous, and stares forlornly at Kristen Stewart; but I digress. Anyway, during a day for night shot a jabbering old woman sets up the plot aboard a carriage with a drunk and Dracula, who gets all pervy over a daguerreotype of her hot teenage daughter. After a stop somewhere along the trail, Dracula becomes lit below by a red light and kills a Native American girl causing the "savages" to go on a rampage because it's in the script. Then Billy The 35-Year-Old Kid shoots a tin can, and everyone becomes concerned that the guy dressed like a vampire might actually be one. So, it's pretty much Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, just substitute Billy The Kid for Jesse James and Dracula for...uh, well...I'm not sure. I don't think it matters that much. There's a lot of terrible acting and John Carradine carries around his victims a few times, and you're fairly certain he should have a stunt double do the heavy lifting, and he gets hit in the face by a gun because that's a sure fire way to foil a vampire attack and it makes perfect sense. And we have a clip! It's priceless:
Wasn't that awesome? Yeah, I thought so, too. I highly recommend this film if you like stuff that sucks. I watched it in 6 parts on Youtube, and I think it took me a month and a half but I did it.
Somewhere in the old west, you know, that mythical place in North America somewhere near Missouri or California or Austria where a rustic frontier town straight out of Blazing Saddles rests beneath a matte painting mountaintop castle, an old man sits at a table in an abobe house and drinks a beverage looking suspiciously like orange juice from a liquor bottle. Then two Austrian mad scientists (you can tell by the Sound Of Music hairdo and the bow-tie) experiment of some dude strapped to a gurney wearing a neon rasta helmet in a torch-lit laboratory filled with test-tubes and jacob's ladders. Then a muscle guy punches a scrawny guy under a horse outside a saloon because it's in the script. That's just in the first ten minutes of Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, and some of the other confusing things you'll see in this film are stock thunder and lightning (often when there isn't a cloud in the sky), unconvincing day for night shots (often around an unconvincing campfire), an outrageously appointed adobe castle furnished in 19th century Transylvanian furniture you know darn well would've taken a century to lug across America by wagon-train, some suspect medical procedures that consist largely of dabbing sucking chest wounds with a cotton ball, beakers labeled "poison", unconvincing romantic entanglements where everyone suddenly loves everyone else very deeply, unconvincing and transient accents of all varieties, and a throbbing brain. This film has a terrible script, terrible dialogue, terrible special effects, terrible acting, and a one take feel. Highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks. Here's a trailer:
I watched it on Youtube, and you can watch it below.
In the film The Mad Monster, a mad scientist hallucinates all the other scientists he'd like to murder because they picked on him for all of his mad scientist antics while he's surrounded by bottles and beakers and test tubes and wolves in cages because the art department decided that stuff should be there and then he conducts experiments on an overall-and-shoulder-pad clad laborer he strapped to a chaise lounge. Then everyone talks about junk for 45 minutes, and the dullness is punctuated by the occasional "wild animal" offscreen killing. This film contains some fog, some lightning, a few cobwebs, a hidden door, some jungle-type foliage, an old lady smoking a pipe, a Jethro Bodine hat, and a werewolf that looks like a 19th century president; but that certainly is no reason to recommend it. I watched it on Youtube, and you can watch it below but you probably shouldn't.
The Vampire Bat is a film where Fay Wray is dragged kicking and screaming to the top of the Empire State Building by a gigantic primate. No, wait a minute. I'm confused. Which Fay Wray movie has people standing around talking about vampires without showing any? Is it this one? It is? Well, it isn't very good. This Fay Wray movie does have bats dangling from trees for a second, and liquids bubbling in beakers in some sort of laboratory, and dank castle-like sets, and a creepy atmosphere, and some cool Expressionistic visuals, and that guy who played Renfield in Dracula being chased by torch-wielding villagers, but you have 45 minutes of a 58 minute movie where nothing else really happens. If you're looking for vampires, look elsewhere. I watched it on Youtube, and you can watch it below.
I should have liked this movie. I did not. The Haunted World Of Superbeasto is a film directed by Rob Zombie featuring cemeteries, bats, skulls, monsters, Hitler's head in a jar, and zombies that's sort of like Ren & Stimpy meets Fritz The Cat meets Family Guy on Halloween sans the humor. Completely laugh-free, it's a jiggly animated mess that tries way too hard to shock. However, it has a beautifully ghastly color pallet perfect for a late-night grownups-only party on October 31st, just turn down the sound.
A Paralyzing Fear is the story of polio in America told in a Ken Burns style using still photographs, interviews with polio survivors, and narration by Olympia Dukakis. It's quite interesting but it often resorts to the maudlin; where the camera slo-mo zooms in on photographs of brow-knitted individuals struggling with the disease while ominous music plays, or manipulating with black and white newsreel footage of smiling children running about on idyllic playgrounds. Well done but heavy-handed, so I'm giving it a barely passing grade. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming.
