Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Washingtonians: Terrible Movies #187

The Washingtonians, part of the Masters Of Horror anthology series, is a horror tale based on the premise that George Washington and his contemporaries were bloodthirsty cannibals. We'll go over the problems with that shortly. The film opens with a Stevie Nicks lookalike getting her head chopped off by some Revolutionary War-era Headed Horsemen while a family listens to talk radio in their sedan. Then the family becomes frightened by either a colonial house, an old guy in a white suit with a botched nose job, or some ancient paintings of George Washington. I'm not really sure. Then some terrifying stuff happens; like someone goes in a dark basement, and something not scary scares them, and George Washington's painting leers at everybody in a threatening manner...and by "terrifying" what I really mean is "cliched, boring and extremely unlikely". Seriously, who's afraid of George Washington? No one. It's never happened. You really can't imagine the first President Of The United States lurking in some bushes peering in a house at his potential victims. He's on the dollar bill for crying out loud. Now, Martin Van Buren? He's scary. Just look at him.

Whoa. He's plotting your death. Right. This. Very. Minute.

Anyway, then someone finds a fork or a letter or something that brings some Founding Father Cannibals back to life I guess, then this happens:

I don't know what the hell is going on here, and I don't want to know. Get a load of that beard. It's plotting your death. Right. This. Very. Minute. And it's scarier than anything in this movie.

Anyway, some more stuff happens, then senior citizens eat bloody chicken. I'm not sure why.

Yep. I know what you're thinking. You're confused as to whether this is merely an elderly hot wing enthusiast, or a monster devouring deep fried chickeny gore basted in 13 herbs and spices. Well, I am, too. Let's just move on, shall we?

So, let's sum up. there's some ominous paint-by-number artwork, wooden teeth in need of some Efferdent, powdered wigs, and Thomas Jefferson's entrails. The film is corny, ridiculous, and brief. It's awful, but if you have an hour to kill, you could do worse. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer:

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