Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Shaolin Grandma: Terrible Movies #186

This is my 300th movie review. We have a lot to talk about.

After some faux grindhouse-style opening credits, this digitally shot film opens with a mailman discovering Shaolin Granny's dead body, calling the police, and the subtitles read, "There's a dead granny in this house.". Yep. That's what happens. Then the mailman narrates while some shaky cam shows Shaolin Granny's training in the dojo and some very unconvincing granny kung fu. Hoping to confuse you, they throw various distracting wigs on Shaolin Granny so you don't see she has a young male stunt double. It doesn't work. Then she wears some distracting red lipstick and punches some guys clothes off while her facial expressions run the gamut from A to B. Of course, Shaolin Granny has to be challenged by the Young Hot Villain With Hypnotizing God's Legs who bests her in kung fu, forcing Shaolin Granny to abandon her position in the dojo and travel with The 2 Guys Who Are Comic Relief to the big city. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "If I had a nickel every time that happened, I'd have 35 cents.". Me too. Anyway, she then meets some guy who looks like The Stray Cats held him down and triple processed his hair who offers her a job as a nightclub dancer because that's exactly what everyone needs to see. Then she dances to a song that has lyrics such as "Who is that woman with the awkward moves?" and shakes her bosoms at the crowd while the subtitles read, "Quit being eroused (sic) by that granny's panties.". Do we have a clip?

No? Well, that's a relief. I would hate for someone to become ill while watching awkward, yet fully clothed, Shaolin Granny gyrations. After another unlikely run-in with Young Hot Villain With Hypnotizing God's Legs, Shaolin Granny lives in a cardboard box and learns she has Flaming Inferno Mouth Foaming Croquet Skills because it's in the script. She meets Elderly Love Interest, and the subtitles read, "This is how our love bursts into flames.", we see some Shaolin Granny Afterglow Basking, and I become a little light-headed from nausea.

To make a long story short, the film Shaolin Grandma has clunky camerawork, terrible acting, not-special special effects, a one-take feel, and unconvincing high-flying kung fu wirework. The movie seems very cheaply made, but has a self-awareness as if the film-makers are in on the joke. It's a little crass, kind of funny, and just awful. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks. Watch it with a crowd of like-minded individuals and some adult beverages. Here's a fantastically mind-boggling trailer that may not be safe for work if you work someplace crappy: