Monday, September 26, 2011

Octaman: Terrible Movies #194

I'm not a good person. I know my shortcomings, and I embrace them. They're mine, and I own them. I know it's not admirable to write 50 words on a masterwork by Hayao Miyazaki, and then turn around and take 5 pages of notes on Octaman. It's not OK. But there it is.

After stock footage of various quality of scientists doing stuff, we see Octaman (who doesn't even get top billing in the credits in his own movie) and his fantastic tentacles that are connected by a visible string. Then a guy wearing gold-rimmed Foster Grants with a very moist upper lip examines a miniature crying Octaman in a bucket because that seems like something people would want to see. They set it free in its natural habitat, which apparently is a patch of grass, then someone drags the miniature crying Octaman through the grass by another visible string. That seems to annoy the larger Octaman, who attacks a guy in a tent with some tentacle karate-chop action.

Let's take a quick break shall we? This review has taken a very long time to write because I'm having an inane conversation with a friend. I'm not disparaging him. It's just what we do. Here's the "stream of consciousness" flow of the conversation we are having: Roman Polanski then accidentally to Holly Hunter then back to Adrian Brody then to Sandra Bullock then to Kevin Smith then to Gigli to then to Yul Brenner then to Euell Gibbons and naturally to Grape Nuts. Here's a commercial:

That was absurd. Anyway, Octaman contains some haphazard editing where you can't tell if it's day or night, numerous continuity errors usually involving neckerchiefs, confusing geography, a South American cheetah, some unbuttoned chambray shirts, several straw hats, an epic battle between Octaman and a seemingly dead alligator, amateurish camera-work where the camera operator walks into branches and forgets to focus the camera, and watery wipes. There's also a moment where Octaman gingerly rises from the swamp in an effort not to fall, some flailing tentacle stabbings, kaleidoscopic Octaman-vision shots, and worst of all, camping. Why do horror movies often take place place near a tent? For crying out loud, if man was meant for to live outdoors, why are couches in the house? And how will you ever get a pizza delivered? "Hello, Little Caesar's? I want to order a large double cheese double pepperoni, and deliver it to the tent near the swamp.". That seems unlikely to happen. Regardless, here's a tent-Foster-Grant-Octaman-bucket-kaleidoscope-vision clip:

Wow. Wasn't that awful? Let's move on, shall we? After some more plot, I guess, where Octaman attacks a guy in a row-boat, and after some first-aid which consists of vigorous hand-rubbing leaving his victim with a nasty stress-induced cough, Octaman flings his tentacles against the side of an RV, and everyone's very afraid of what is essentially a walking appetizer or a guy in a rubber suit dressed as calamari. The cast shoots Octaman, throw a net over him, then create a circle of fire around him and misunderstand how oxygen actually works. Here's a very unscientific clip with flailing tentacles:

Then after about 15 minutes of cave-related stretching for time, you finally realize this is a blatant Creature From The Black Lagoon rip-off and you wonder what happened to your life and how you ended up watching this movie and where it all went wrong. Octaman is just dreadful, and highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and I may never be the same.

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