Monday, August 4, 2014

Airplane Vs. Volcano

Superman and a Sweathog struggle to survive aboard a plane stuck on autopilot circling around a bunch of erupting volcanoes in this dreadful Asylum film. Featuring poorly rendered volcanic islands, poorly rendered magma, and inexplicable volcanic cinders that only seem to strike jet engines, Airplane Vs. Volcano plays a lot like a humorless Airplane, only with, you know, volcanoes.

There's also a Plan 9 from Outer Space-esque cockpit scene that results in a dead pilot and co-pilot, an ocean traveling pyroclastic flow that turns beach bathers into Pompeiian statues, and the prerequisite Asylum helicopter scene at the 24-minute mark.

A flight attendant pushes the button that causes all the jet fuel to squirt out the back of the plane nearly turning it into a gradually descending Molotov cocktail, and I don't know an awful lot about buttons, jets, jet fuel, or flight attendants, but that button seems a little bit useless to me. Thank goodness they placed that jet-fuel-squirting button deep underneath the cockpit where it's nearly impossible for flight attendants to reach so it isn't pushed accidentally during a volcanic crisis, and that Superman, who has never flown a passenger jet before, knew it existed and where its approximate location was, because that scenario makes a lot of sense and doesn't seem pointless at all. An altruistic passenger wing walks using a whole bunch of seat belts to keep him from plummeting to Earth in order to dislodge one of those miraculous embers from the engine, and that doesn't turn out nearly as well as one might think.

That last decade or so of the movie is maudlin as all get out, as disposable passengers start begging to get off the plane and live, and I felt exactly the same way. I wanted to get off that plane and live.

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