Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Asteroid Vs. Earth

In an effort to divert the Earth from a collision course with a 200-mile diameter asteroid, Tia Carrera attempts to detonate nuclear weapons in the Ring Of Fire to produce planet-moving 18-on-the-Richter-Scale earthquakes because that seems fine. A brilliant college student pours a Red Bull in his lap when the NSA sneaks into his room because product placement, and Tia Carrera meets-cute in a dive bar booth covered in duct tape. Get used to the idea of duct tape, because it's going to continue to make cameo appearances in this film. Then there's some stock disaster footage and a poorly rendered CGI asteroid.

After having a military-style anti-asteroid meeting in the same wooden shutter-filled room The Asylum uses in every movie, the camera crew is visible in the reflection of a car, then everyone drives their Chevy to a CGI sub because product placement. After some obvious camera shadows, things go wrong in the sub, killing several disposable minor characters. Volcanic debris rains down on a tin-roofed warehouse, and cast members shout at one another and drive forklifts carrying duct tape-covered nuclear warheads into empty cardboard boxes.

After some crowd scene stock footage, a cobweb on a colonel's cap, and a CGI tidal wave, Hong Kong is destroyed and the sub skipper is unconvincingly electrocuted causing a rise in the ranks for nearly everyone still alive. I probably would decline the offer of promotion because that seemingly continues to get soldiers killed for the duration of the film, sometimes involving unconvincing land mines buried in a California beach unconvincingly standing in for Saipan which results in a disposable minor character getting his legs blown off. That part was actually kind of cool, but the movie goes on for awhile, and then it ends with Tia Carrera surviving the ordeal because spoiler alert.

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