Saturday, August 2, 2014


I am thrilled to have been asked to take part in Cinematic Catharsis' Goldblumathon because I never get asked to take part in anything. Someone recently told me, and by 'someone' I mean 'friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers', that I am what is known as a 'ruiner'. I'm not certain what this means exactly, but I have a feeling that it's disparaging, hurtful, and true. From what I gather, apparently a ruiner is someone who does their own thing with little regard for anyone else's feelings, posts video clips that don't have an awful lot to do with the movie he is supposed to be reviewing, always gets picked last for kickball, and doesn't get invited on dates, parties, family reunions, or anything ending in the suffix -athon. Being incredibly self-centered, unathletic, and anti-social, even if I was invited to do those things, I probably wouldn't because I would be too busy watching bad films in the dark and I don't like doing things in a group setting. Because I'm a contrary individual, since contributing to something in a group setting is the last thing I normally would want to do but I hate being told I can't do something even if that person telling me I can't do something is myself, I am unable to stop myself from doing it. So, thanks for inviting me to contribute. Hopeful I won't ruin it, but I can't guarantee anything.

Please be sure to check out all the great blogs contributing to this event.

For the Goldblumathon, I've chosen the incredibly unlikely film The Sentinel starring Jeff Goldblum, and by 'starring' I mean 'he's 5th from the bottom in the credits and he has 3 lines'. 

Here's the lowdown: A model cuts her wrists after walking in on her elderly father's wrinkly, cake-filled, freaky birthday 3-way orgy, and after his funeral the crew is visible in the hearse's windows. Then the model who can't commit to her sleazy boyfriend rents an apartment in a brownstone from Ava Gardner where a blind priest sits staring in an unblinking manner from an upstairs window, and Ava Gardner tries to look sinister, but she just ends up looking a little bitchy. Then, WAIT FOR IT, Jeff Goldblum takes photos of afghans and peacocks by a swimming pool.

Burgess Meredith drops by the model's apartment with a canary on his shoulder because of course he does, and the model has a business meeting with two lesbian ballet dancers wearing leotards, and by 'business meeting' I mean 'voyeuristic, awkward petting, and they certainly aren't petting the canary, if you catch my drift'. Then the model has a little trouble with a wine bottle while Jeff Goldblum watches.

The model attends a surprise party for a cat, and she has a nightmare involving nudity, cymbals, and wicker furniture as her chandelier moves on its own, but you have to expect those sorts of things when you rent an apartment in Brooklyn Heights for $400 a month. It's what realtors call 'character'. Suddenly, Ava Gardner drops a bombshell on the model and informs her that the model and the blind priest are the only people living in the brownstone. This turn of events causes the model to pops some pills and a little red wine, and the paranormal stuff starts right back up again. 

SPOILER ALERT: This scene was #46 out of The 100 Scariest Movie Moments according to Bravo.

As it turns out, the birthday party was a get-together for 8 dead murderers, and the brownstone is the entrance to Hell. I'm not sure about that. I'm pretty sure the entrance to Hell can be found in any Wal-Mart. It's near the Duck Dynasty merchandise, and by that I mean they should just change their name from Wal-Mart to Duck-Mart. 

I'm not 100% convinced that The Sentinel holds up after nearly 40 years, but it has its moments. Jeff Goldblum clearly carries the film, and by 'clearly carries the film' I mean 'I honestly didn't know he was in it until I looked it up on IMDB.'


  1. Jeff Goldblum's peripheral involvement in The Sentinel doesn't diminish the fact that your review was a fun read. Hey, it made me laugh. I agree that The Sentinel has its creepy moments. ... And I also agree that Wal-mart is a portal to hell (forget the damn Hellraiser puzzle box).

    Thanks so much for joining the Goldblumathon! From one reclusive misanthrope to another, I can assure you you're definitely not a 'ruiner.'

  2. Thanks again! It was fun. Let me know if you plan on another, I'd love to participate!

  3. Really fun read! As I said, I want to see this. So many stars, so little dignity or so much alimony.