Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Devil's Bible

The Codex Gigas, the world's largest Medieval manuscript, is examined in this National Geographic documentary, and I'm pissed about it. Written either by a Benedictine monk named Herman The Recluse or a fallen monk who sold his soul, this enormous book weighs about 165 lbs., may have taken 10 years of continuous work to create, and contains a poorly illustrated, disparaging, and copyright infringing likeness of me. Surrounded by legend, it was once hurled out a window to escape being destroyed by fire and then injuring a bystander, was captured as plunder during the Thirty Years War, and allegedly saved an errant monk from being walled alive in exchange for his soul, and I'm probably going to sue everybody for unauthorized usage of my likeness without compensation and the fact it exaggerates all my worst features. I mean seriously, there are my knobby knees, my pot belly, and my terrible complexion. I bust my ass doing P90X, and there is no way I'm going to allow someone to make me look like I sit on the couch all day eating cookies even though I do. And don't get me started on those drawers. I would never in a million years be caught dead in those things. I almost exclusively wear boxer shorts with Halloween decorations on them, not some sort of poorly fitting polka dot diaper. Everyday Is Halloween (in my pants).

National Geographic, Herman The Recluse, Wikipedia, and everybody is most certainly going to hear from my lawyers. I still have the receipt from the purchase of that dude's soul as proof.

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