Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Age Of Tomorrow

Earth faces complicated destruction from a sort-of asteroid in this meandering Asylum film. After a meteor shower causes some unconvincing CGI fires, a firefighter's leg is broken from some flimsy drop ceiling, and then another firefighter unconvincingly jumps out a window, and you can tell he did this because the cast was looking up in extreme close-up. The prerequisite Asylum helicopter scene makes an early appearance at the 10-minute mark, but it stays grounded. Then a poorly rendered spaceship is partially seen.

After a 15-second flight into space that the unarmed cast wasn't trained for, it unconvincingly lands on the asteroid. I have to reiterate that the cast has no weapons because the cast did. After entering an asteroid cave, they realize that the asteroid is actually a spacecraft.

Metallic pods are released whose main purpose seem to be stalking part of the remaining and quickly dwindling earthbound cast, a disposable minor character's escape is unconvincingly impeded by a seat belt. Then he's vaporized. For some reason, someone offscreen throws a wastebasket. The astronaut cast teleports to a ringed Saturn-like planet which looks suspiciously like a well-manicured botanical garden, and someone says 'Our radios are crap out here' and even the cast seems incredulous that they said it. Then someone asks for a weapon and gets it, even though they didn't have any. Then someone in a well-lit fire station says 'All the power lines are down' and no one seems to notice.

Meanwhile on Earth, someone is shot through a door through their chest in a LOL-inducing fashion, and then someone in space performs a maudlin mercy killing on a disposable background character that inexplicably lasts longer than the flight into space. A giant CGI monster graphically poops out some eggs, and blinks at the audience with its six glowing eyes for some reason. After hearing the sounds of geese on the botanical garden planet, the cast battles aliens with bayonets for arms for about a month, then someone says 'We're out of missiles!' as though they just 86'd the fries until more come out of the fryer.

The movie stumbles around for another two weeks, then it ends. Age Of Tomorrow has better sets than the usual Asylum feature, but that's not saying much as many scenes still seem to take place in empty warehouses, office cubicles, and hallways shot in closeup. It seems much, much longer than ninety minutes, and ends on a somber tone, but at least it ended.

No comments:

Post a Comment