Monday, September 15, 2014

Seytan (Turkish Exorcist)

From what I gather, a family struggles with a young girl's illness amidst medical quackery in this familial Turkish drama, however, the print I watched was in Turkish with no subtitles, so I'm not entirely sure. Here's my take on what went down:

A man in a large hat walks through a desert strewn with skeletons as Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells plays.

He finds a suspicious piece of pottery, and then he finds a large statue. Meanwhile, a woman hears some odd foley work in her house, then she plays a few games of tennis.

A man eats a bowl full of white beans, and that reminds me of the Turkish restaurant I used to go to which had a delicious piyaz salad on the menu, which consists of white bean, onion and cucumber. If you ever go to a Turkish restaurant, you should get that.

Someone unconvincingly plays piano, and a young girl does some unconvincing ballet. After some more foley work, the woman heads into the attic with a candle and finds half a dozen mousetraps and a book entitled Seytan, which I'm assuming is a cookbook on how to prepare meatless entrees using vital wheat gluten because she goes to the kitchen and confronts a cook as he's sharpening knives. If you're ever in Chicago, you should go the the Chicago Diner, where they serve an awesome Chik'n Fried Steak and mashed potatoes, which is meatless and I assume is made from vital wheat gluten.

During a cocktail party, the girl pees on the stairs, and that's the first sign that something is amiss. Then the mother and daughter awkwardly jump on the bed for some reason. A man gets a shoulder massage, then he runs through a meadow in slo-mo as a flute plays on the soundtrack. Suddenly, the girl has an unconvincing medical procedure performed involving enormous hypodermic needles and jets of blood squirting out of her neck, which I think is probably contraindicated in what I can only assume is food poisoning. Then she does some core-strengthening exercises in bed until her neck swells like a bullfrog, which I don't think is a very good idea immediately following an unconvincing medical procedure. Then she has cotton stuffed in her mouth and some sort of therapeutic jack hammers banging against her temples which seems like an effective treatment of something, and she gets a wide-eyed spinal tap.

Someone gives the girl a stern talking-to, and the she says "hi" to him Channing Tatum-style.

A guy in a trench coat finds the talisman on an ominous set of stairs, and the mother yells at the kitchen staff waving another spatula-like talisman. I would say that it's beginning to become difficult to discern one talisman from another, but the daughter starts stabbing herself with the spatula-talisman, so now we know which one is which, and a bookcase full of dolls moves around on its own. Then she turns her head.

Speaking of head-turning, the food poisoning takes a turn for the worse, as her face develops welts, her voice turns into a man's, she starts to wheeze, and she rarely blinks. Then she doesn't seem to like her butterscotch pudding. A guy starts to listen to some Led Zeppelin tapes backwards, and here's where I go off on a tangent about backmasking. People don't listen to important messages when they're being played forward, what makes anyone think people will pay attention to messages when they're played backward? I don't know.

Speaking of toolsheds, a strangely localized fog develops on the ominous stairs for some reason. A doctor sprinkles the daughter with water, and she doesn't seem to enjoy her pistachio pudding. Then her bad starts to move around, and I'm pretty sure that not going to help with her nausea. Then she doesn't seem to enjoy her guacamole. Somebody should really stop feeding that chick. Suddenly, this happens:

I'm not really sure what's occurring here, but if it happened at a rock concert, it would be pretty sweet. Then the movie ends. While I couldn't really understand the dialogue, I enjoyed Seytan, and it's mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

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