Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Wizard Of Mars

In the future world of 1975, a group of astronauts travel to Mars and they look through telescopes indicating north, south, east and west because that's awfully handy during interplanetary space flight. Suddenly, there's lightning in space which seems about right, then the lone woman in the cast, who I'm assuming is named Dorothy, says, "The meters keep having convulsions" and I'm not sure what that means. Then their spaceship controls start to smoke.

While the ship is somersaulting through the martian atmosphere, the cast decides to get out of the relative safety of their rocketship chairs because a costume change is probably a good idea. After crash landing, they all take a nap in a rubber raft as it floats down a martian canal. Seriously though, I have to give it to these intrepid pioneers who decided to bring along inflatable rubber rafts during a space flight and when oxygen is at a premium. Speaking of oxygen, they realize they don't have any. Suddenly, a rubber crustacean attacks, and it's not very convincing or interesting. Then the cast hits the rubber crustaceans with their raft paddles even though they fail to kill them with a rifle and the monsters are literally right there, unmoving.

After some voiceover narration, the cast finds a cave.

Suddenly, after five minutes of screen-time is devoted to walking through caves, there's stock footage of magma. Now the stakes are much higher, as five more minutes of screen-time is devoted to walking through more caves, more voice over narration, more stock magma footage, and bickering.

Suddenly, someone says, "Do you supposed something happened?", and the answer is "No."

We're one third of the way through this movie.

The narrator begins talking about how the cast's watches don't work, and how time has seemingly stood still, and I believe it, as I begin contemplating throwing my watch, my phone, my computer, and all my belongings out the window in boredom. Then after stock desert sand dune footage, someone says, "Crummy desert", and I don't think they're ashamed of it at all. Then someone gets a phone call. It's a wrong number. Then someone shoots a Mars lander with a rifle because science.

Suddenly, there's a thunderstorm, and the lone woman in the cast hopes that the stock lightning effects don't strike the Mars lander.

At the halfway point of this film, the cast discovers a seen-it-coming-a-mile-away Yellow Brick Road in an obvious homage to the Wizard Of Oz, and by "homage" I really mean "mind-numbingly boring ripoff".

Then the cast arrives at a Red City because Mars.

After someone finds a pile of corpse dust in the shape of a corpse and puts their bare hands in it, they say, "It looks like they were cremated alive". Then the most cowardly lion-like cast-member finds a martian blowtorch. The cast-members debate whether or not it's an obvious plot device, and quickly abandon it. After putting their bare hands in more obvious martian corpse dust, they stumble upon a martian with an exposed glowing brain.

Then everyone stares at one another for an uncomfortably long period of time in order to stretch this 10 minute script into a full-length feature and because psychic phenomena.

Suddenly, after floating martian glowing brained ghosts drift down the lone hallway in this movie, John Carradine finally appears as a disembodied wonderful wizard head whose face is obscured by a galaxy. It's not very interesting. He narrates for about ten minutes, and I honestly stopped listening as I contemplated setting my belongings on fire out of boredom. After dropping an important sphere and using the discarded plot martian blow torch, someone gets a boost. Then everyone runs down the same martian hallway again and again as the camera's shadow is visible. Then the movie ends.

SPOILER ALERT: It was a dream, and it was a long, boring dream sorely lacking in wicked witches, flying monkeys, tornadoes, or Totos of any variety.

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