Thursday, November 29, 2012

Fire Maidens Of Outer Space

Brylcreemed chain-smokers head to outer space and discover a world of fire maidens in this Brylcreemy sci-fi film; but I'm uncertain of the intricacies of the plot as the version I watched was translated in Russian, essentially obscuring the dialogue. Here's what I got out of it:

Stock footage of airplanes and automobiles take people places, then some dudes enjoy a smoke and look through a very large telescope. Then a phony spaceship unconvincingly flies through phony outer space, and a suspiciously uniform meteorite swarm heads directly at the spaceship, oddly enough in approximate patterns of 3. It's probably just a strange science-y quirk of space travel that I don't understand very well that causes that, I suppose. Then the spaceship lands on a planet that looks suspiciously like Nebraska, and you can tell it's a planet in outer space because of all the exotic foliage like trees and grasses and weeds and the fact that there's a screaming girl wearing a cape being attacked by a monster because that often happens on Planet Nebraska. Then everyone goes into a very Atlantean room and hangs out for a while, and you can tell it's a room from Atlantis because of all the drapery. Then the Atlantean girls languidly dance for some reason, and if that qualifies for entertainment on Planet Nebraska Atlantis, then I'm glad it's a lost continent in space. Do we have a clip? We do? Great!

Wow. It's a morose and awkwardly choreographed shimmying strip-tease without the strip, the tease, or the choreography. The shimmy is there, but it resembles the shimmy on a 1956 Desoto Adventurer with a bad suspension. Then everyone gets drunk and passes out, and it's starting to sound like a solid plan. Suddenly, a monster appears. Far off in the distance. Like, really far away. Maybe it's because if you get a close look at it, it looks like a leotarded Frankenstein. It's hard to tell because it's way over there. In the bushes. Lurking.

It's confusing.

After the 1 hour mark, we finally get to see a maiden catch on fire. You would think that would liven things up a bit. It doesn't. Then the movie ends.

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