Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

Well, Turkey Groundhog Day is nearly here. Oh, you've never heard of that holiday? It's the one where if a golden-brown headless turkey sees its shadow, it means six weeks of holly-jolly poinsettia hell, and not in a good way. It means there's six weeks of wassailing, and withy-choosing, and mistletoeing, and ho-ho-hoing, and of course, "going Yule goat"; and it's a winter nightmare. Actually, the Yule goat part is pretty bad-ass. Beating a paper-mache creature with a stick until candy falls out is something that I enjoy. Celebrating Krampusnacht is awesome, and julebukking is pretty cool, too; so maybe I'm a little too harsh on the holiday season. Some of it is kind of brutal. That's not important right now.

I gave Executive Chef, Sous Chef, the kitchen staff, and the cleaning crew a little holiday vacation, and by 'vacation' I mean I fired them all. I had to clean the entire kitchen myself because Executive Chef left a small amount of cheese sauce in the microwave after preparing my Stouffer's Macaroni And Cheese With Broccoli, and it burned to the carousel in a dark-brown concrete-like lump, and now Thanksgiving is ruined. I will have to serve and prepare a Thanksgiving meal without anyone's help, so my family is going to have to enjoy a box of Chicken In A Biskit crackers, a can of spray cheese, and cranberry sauce with the can ridges still evident in lieu of an actual meal with actual food. Boy, that meal might be a little awkward. Everyone will have to get up from their chairs at the end of the really long dining room table, serve themselves crackers that make a soup in your mouth because I fired Butler, and go sit at the opposite end again as I sit several yards away bitching about how I have to clean up. It'll be slightly festive, but it won't be all that different from an ordinary Thursday.

Anyway, I watched Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver, where a murderous, poorly-rendered, foul-mouthed pastry goes back in time to the 1970s and unconvincingly slaughters roller-disco enthusiasts. It's not as good as it sounds. There's a roller boogie car wash fundraiser, a Bay City Rollers t-shirt, and several saxophone solos. It's just dreadful, but it's recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

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