Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Bloody Judge: Terrible Movies #119
Man, that is one dumb title. Wow. Just look at it. That's gonna put some butts in some seats. Did someone in Lichtenstein in 1970 actually think audiences were dying to watch something called "The Bloody Judge"? Yes, this movie is a Lichtenstein production, it's directed by Jess Franco, and it was filmed in 1970, so you know it couldn't possibly be good. Well, it isn't. First, there's a brief history lesson with narration that's remarkably similar to something you would see on the History Channel. Then, women play "Ring Around The Rosie" in the dark, and there's a cooking chicken with black pins stuck in it for some reason, then this guy sees a chick in a cornfield, and you realize that this scene is dusk and not totally dark like the last scene, and the chick and dude start to make out, then it's dark again, and then it's dusk. Is this something that commonly happens in cornfields? I honestly wouldn't know. Then guys on horseback attack everyone with swords because it's the 17th century, everyone's a witch, and they all had it coming. So, there's Christopher Lee glaring at everyone, and many huge powdered wigs, and a couple of brief and inexplicable "chicks in prison" moments, and a ridiculously large belt buckle. And there's warring and wenching, torture and lacy collars, static shots of steeples and forests, and when things get racy the movie gets dubbed, soft focused and subtitled because that often happens in real life. This film is 900 hours long, extremely misogynistic, kind of stupid, and very, very tedious, but if you think about it the 17th century was, too. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, but there might be something educational and informative on the History Channel instead. Here's a trailer:
Wait, it was also called Night Of The Blood Monster?
Wow. That's even worse.