Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Crimes Of Stephen Hawke: Terrible Movies #131

Oops, no picture. Sorry. You don't care all that much anyway. So, apparently "The Spinebreaker" is on the loose in London, breaking spines and whatnot. But first you have to suffer through some dude in a tux interviewing people on the radio about cats. Yeah, it's even more boring than it sounds. Then, a creeper in an enormous top hat kills a child in the woods, who then escapes from the scene of the crime in a horse-drawn carriage that undulates up and down in front of a rear projection. Suddenly, stuffy mutton-chopped overdressed Victorians talk and talk in a desperate attempt to forward the plot as other Victorians open doors and walk through rooms. Yep, it's just that thrilling. So, in summation, this film is stagey, overwrought, implausible, and creepy in the worst way; where precocious children are murdered, killers peer at houses from the bushes wearing impossibly large head adornments, rich old dudes hit on 18 year old girls, and moneylenders who look surprisingly like Ebeneezer Scrooge have improbably strong hands. Horrifying if you're scared by outrageous English accents, mutton-chops, the word 'ague', or stuff that sucks. You can watch it at Hulu, or you can watch it below, but aren't there some non-Victorian chores you could occupy yourself with instead?

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