Friday, January 7, 2011

I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #17: The Bat People

A couple have a picnic in the desert. Suddenly, a bat appears. OK, look, I'm going to have to stop this review right here. This is where everything goes wrong, and no one learns from it. When will people learn not to do stuff out in the wilderness far from the nearest pizza joint? Is freakin' potato salad at a picnic miles from nowhere going to taste that much better after you've fought ants and bees and bats for it? Does a dusty plaid blanket thrown on the ground in the middle of the desert elevate your bologna sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil to a Michelin 3-star meal? I don't get it. Nature is no place for humans and it should be avoided. Everyone knows Nature is where you're going to roll the ambulance you've stolen into a ravine after one of your sweaty bat attack induced fits and then you'll have to bandage up a grizzled prospector drinking hooch from a bottle in a paper bag, but forgive me for jumping ahead in the plot and criticizing folks' vacation choices. Anyway, after a vicious bat attack in a cave and dangling in a gondola high in the mountains heading for a ski adventure; dude's eyes roll back in his head and he gets a feverish vision of his girl running on an unseen treadmill fleeing a plastic bat suspended from a string, her arms flailing wildly. Seconds later, they're gliding down the mountainside smiling like they're pimping Chapstick. Maybe they should have taken a staycation and watched a movie instead. But not this one. BTW, contains very few actual bat-people. On Netflix Instant Streaming.

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