Monday, January 24, 2011

Killers Three: Terrible Movie #42

It must be tough either being dick clark or working with dick clark. He is The World's Oldest Teenager and all, so I guess dick clark's typecast now, and that's why he hasn't been in more movies. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, why didn't he capitalize dick clark? Well, apparently, dick clark has his own font. And when your name shows up the the credits of the film you're starring in more than 5 or 10 times, well, I guess you're calling all the shots and you can now go around all high falutin' with a hit-or-miss southern accent and a dodgy mustache and not have your name in capital letters. Merle Haggard is in the movie, in fact, he plays a guitar and sits on a porch swing, and he doesn't get his own font. Mike Curb is also mentioned in the credits, and he doesn't get his own font. So I can imagine how that meeting went..."I'm freakin' dick freakin' clark, and all these nobodies need to be in that western style font, and I need my own font, and don't capitalize my name. Got it? And I need all brown M&Ms in my trailer". Anyway, so this movie's all about moonshinin' I guess, and dreaming about going to California, and driving old cars along red dirt roads real fast, and shootin' up the place. I'm not sure about moonshinin' protocol and communicating memos to your employees, but when you have 6 hand grenades nailed to a tree, do you need a large cardboard sign that says "For Emergencies Only"? I think that goes without saying, really. So, banjos are plucked, and slide guitars are strummed, and Merle Haggard's songs play throughout, and dick clark paddles a canoe, and this movie seriously never wants to end. Maudlin, slow-paced and an Appalachian nightmare. On Netflix Instant Streaming.

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